Cracks

I've become one of THOSE moms.  In the three years that I have been a parent, my experiences with Duncan have informed my work as an educator and an administrator.  Today, I've learned to understand a new breed of parent:  the parent who is afraid her child will fall through the cracks.

I should start by telling you that Duncan had a great week at daycare.  After a two week vacation, it was our plan to send him back wearing underwear full time since he needed to master toilet training in order to make the transition from the toddler room to the pre-school room (AKA, the BIG room).  On Monday, he had a pretty good day.  He spent some time in the morning in the big room.  He had a couple of accidents but returned home still in underwear. Tuesday was rough; he had an accident in the big room and didn't know who to tell.  When he finally returned to the toddler room, he misbehaved and had two time outs.  He was in tears telling Jamie about it all.  But Wednesday was okay and so was Thursday.  When I picked him up today, he had spent the whole day in the big room, and I was incredibly proud.  He showed me his new cubby, we tried to collect all his things from his various locations in the building, and we talked to his friends about the big, big slide.  He yelled good-bye across the room to his new friends and stopped in to say good-bye to the director.  It was a good day.

And then, when I buckled him into the car seat, I realized his pants were soaking wet.  Now, I know I'm overreacting, and I'm pretty sure he must have had that accident on our way out the door, but I can't stop thinking about that little boy from Tuesday who didn't know who to tell about his accident...and I have to wonder just how long he was in wet underwear and sweatpants.  Somebody would have noticed?  Right?  I'm sure...even if he hadn't told someone, someone would have noticed.  I'm sure, but then again, I'm not so sure.

When we got home, I realized why Duncan has been starving when we got home every day this week.  In my rush to get him home, I had thrown all his lunch containers in my bag without looking at them.  Every day this week his teachers said he didn't eat much, but there in front of me was a collection of almost (90%) completely uneaten food, at least two days' worth of his lunch, untouched.  At home, he has been pretty distracted during meals.  Although we start out making him feed himself, eventually we resort to shoveling food into his mouth out of necessity.  I know that some among you will be saying we should just let him not eat, and he'll get hungry and learn to feed himself.  I know that they can't feed him in daycare, and in the larger preschool room, he needs to learn to be independent.  No one is going to remind him to eat.  This is his opportunity to learn from that.

So on a Friday afternoon, I returned home with a pee soaked 3 year old who hadn't eaten lunch for at least two days.  And I almost cried...because I worried about whether anyone is looking out for my child.  I don't want my sweet, beautiful, happy, innocent boy to fall through the cracks because he's not naughty enough to make waves...and I don't want him to have to learn to make waves either.  I want to believe that someone is caring for him as they would their own child.  I want to know that someone notices how kind and gentle and clever he is and also that someone will notice if he's starving and covered in pee.

So...where do I go from here?  I remind my son that he needs to tell someone if he has an accident.  I trust in my ability to overreact.  I trust the people who take care of him.  I trust that he will eventually become hungry enough to eat lunch.  I trust that we will go talk to the teachers if these concerns continue past Monday.  I trust that I can protect him from the world just enough to keep him safe but not enough to smother him.  I trust that I will pay even more attention to my students who could fall through the cracks because I know how their parents feel.  When you get right down to it, the issue is whether or not we trust adults to do right by children, and I think most of would agree that about 90 - 95 % of the time, we're comfortable with that leap of faith.  It's the other 5 - 10% that scares me.

I had a rough week in the BIG room, but at least I have dry underwear.