Showing Up for the Muse

I've been thinking a lot lately about Tilly. If you don't know Tilly or her art work, you should, especially if you live in the Hudson Valley. Check out her blog, Showing Up for the Muse at tillystudio.blogspot.com. Tilly taught art at Kildonan for a long time and then retired from teaching to pursue her own art full time. I love Tilly's art, but at the moment, it is her dedication that I find inspirational. In the spirit of Albert Einstein, who said that genius is 98% perspiration and 2% inspiration, she decided to challenge herself to complete a painting each day, regardless of what is going on in her life. The philosophy is that you can't sit around waiting for inspiration. At minimum, you have to be present in order to make it happen: you have to show up for the Muse. That philosophy has recently begun to have enormous effects on my life.

I've wanted to be a writer for as long as I can remember. When I was in elementary school, I wrote tiny poems and stereotypical stories with relish. I continued in high school; I read voraciously, kept notebooks and journals of quotations I enjoyed, and continued to write poetry. In college, I took a poetry writing course on a lark and loved it; it forced me to share my work with others, open myself to constructive criticism, and value the processes of editing and rewriting. Before I graduated, I even submitted a few poems to my school's literary journals and was thrilled to see my name, and my poetry, in print. Even though I studied psychology, when people asked what I wanted "to do," I always replied "what I REALLY want to do is write."

And the rest, as they say, is history. I graduated, came to work at Kildonan, wrote about 3 poems and gave it all up. Periodically during those 21 years, I wondered why I quit writing. Occasionally, I started a journal or read a book about writing, and then I drifted back to my everyday life. I continued to catch myself saying "..., but what I really want to do is write." I was good at generating excuses: I don't have time; what do I have to write about; who cares what I have to say. But I didn't write anything.

Then, I discovered The Yarn Harlot. I loved reading about Stephanie Pearl-McPhee's experiences with knitting and her stories about her family, and I found the photographs irresistible. I checked in daily to see what was going on in her life, and I began reading her books. Soon, I had whole roster of blogs to keep up with (too many actually). Some were about knitting, but many focused on parents' experiences raising children. I rediscovered Tilly's blog. Even though I didn't venture to comment on any of those blogs, I felt a sense of community there; I found people who were experiencing what I was: potty training, insufficient time for knitting, lack of free time, difficulty juggling motherhood and work. And I began to think "I could do this." Without knowing if I would actually stick with it, I began this blog on February 28; this is my 35th entry (counting these words of brilliance, "Hah! It's a blog.") I still don't know if I will stick with this, or if anything will come of it in terms of turning me into a "writer," but 35 efforts is pretty substantial for me. I understand you have to engage in a new activity at least 15 times to make it a habit, so I'm optimistic.

I may never become a writer in a professional sense, but I adopted Tilly's philosophy. If I don't show up, I'll remain firmly on my course of not becoming a writer. If I show up, I have a fighting chance. It sounds simple, but it is life changing.

As I mentioned in a previous post, writing releases a part of my personality that is otherwise held captive in my introversion. That change is perhaps the most important. I've also discovered that the more I write, the more I want to write. I am beginning to crave time to write; on the days that I don't write, I feel like I am missing a piece of myself. Maybe this summer, I'll take the Tilly challenge and attempt to write every day for a month. I have become pathologically attached to my laptop. I sneaked it to Vermont with me when Jamie and I went away; I think at first he thought I wanted to surf the web for two days. The truth was that I needed it in case I wanted to do some writing. A few weeks back, the IT guy at school (he's SOOO much more than 'the IT guy at school' - forgive me Stephen) took my laptop overnight to install a new operating system. The next day, I confessed that I felt naked without it. I began a list of things I want to write about; it's in my pocket as we speak. I am even going to procure a tiny notebook so I can write down (tediously, by hand) ideas that occur to me throughout the day. And also very important (and paradoxical for this introvert), the more I write, the more I want to share what I have to say. I don't know if any of this makes me a writer, and it's certainly not padding my savings account, although it does, without a doubt, make me a person who writes.

I'm having a blast! Thanks for sharing my 35th post with me. I hope that you will all keep showing up to read as long as I keep showing up to write; maybe, just maybe, I'll write the next, great American young adult novel that will convert all dyslexic reluctant readers to readers...you just never know.

Tearin' It Up In Amenia

We know how to party here in Amenia. We spent yesterday engaged in some long overdue house cleaning, which was, again, no fun for anyone. The dust bunnies threatened to grow into Easter bunnies, and much of our yard had moved indoors. I was questioning whether the bathroom was sanitary enough for my child. Everything is clean and lemony now.

Furthermore, high on our success with purging Duncan's space, I gathered the fortitude to deal with our own book avalanche. Again, I neglected to document visually the state of our books, but it much resembled Duncan's pile of 12 month clothes and the book overflow under the coffee table. There were stacks and stacks of books posted around our bedroom - Christmas and birthday books I hadn't had the time to make space for. This kind of situation is fine if you're single, or even if you're married to someone who can overlook your quirks; a toddler, however, finds towers of books to be excellent climbing material. Many have been the falls and near misses, not to mention my annoyance at having to stack the books AGAIN. It finally occurred to me that: a) we will not be buying any more bookcases until we buy a house - there is literally nowhere else to put them; b) no one in our house will be reading Aristotle, Ralph Waldo Emerson, or the 20 year old copy of Gleitman's Introduction to Psychology that launched me into fame and fortune; so c) something had to give. It was amazing how much bookshelf space was freed simply by filling a small U-Haul moving box with books we literally never open. I'm sure the movers will be taking that box to our next house, but for now, THE BOOKS HAVE BREATHING ROOM! Everything is on the shelf. It's like a breath of fresh air, which is a good thing, because...

Today is spring! Even though it was dreary, cold, and windy, and we had to wait until 4:15 p.m. to see the sun, it is unequivocally spring. I have faith, which is probably why Easter tends to arrive with spring. Even if you don't believe in the whole Christian tradition, how can you not believe in the power of spring to bring rebirth?

As for the knitting...could I be more of a novice? First, there is nothing more painful than ripping out 1/2 inch of knitting because you weren't paying attention and went too far. Then, not once, not twice, but three times I knit and ripped out the three rows involving the first button hole. I keep losing a stitch. Either I don't remember how to knit the yarn over, or I am supposed to lose the stitch (somehow, I suspect the former). How much will it matter if I lose that stitch twice on the right and left sides? Perhaps the Yarn Harlot can live with such ambiguity, but I cannot. I can, however, read so I guess I'll research the yarn over before I try again. The Yarn Harlot probably knit at my level when she was 2. Can you be more novice than novice? On the bright side, I'm incredibly proud of my sister Lorna who ALSO set out to knit something other than scarves and was FINISHING (I know - it's a word foreign to me these days) a bag when I saw her this weekend. I'm jealous. The only things I have finished in ages are the gauge swatches for this sage green thing without button holes.

But it's spring! Breathe it, think it, feel it (even in Amenia).

104 / 3

It's a strange situation for me.  Having knit these 104 stitches (with no stretch, on needles made of plastic, which has been a tactile nightmare for me) for 5 inches, I now have to divide them into three sections and leave them hanging, live, on what approximates large safety pins.  (When I reached this stage, I was secretly thrilled that I had not gained or lost any stitches!)  I know that for veteran knitters (even probably most novice knitters), this is no big deal; for me, it is a leap of faith.  This enterprise could unravel in seconds under the right (wrong) circumstances.  I am reminded of the Yarn Harlot's recent experience with the grape socks and listening to the needle gently hit the floor as hours of delicate sock knitting simply disappeared (although that is probably an obscure allusion to anyone who might happen upon my blog).  I imagine that soon this stealth project will become more recognizable.

I set out to challenge myself and break out of the world of scarves, hats, and mittens, so I am going to trust that this will just work out; may the yarn gods look upon me with favor.  

This blog experience is also new to me.  I am an inchoate blogger, but I am glad that I shared my blog.  Courtney is now thinking of a travel blog; Andrea is thinking her life is too boring to blog (but as a new dog mother with a baby of her own on the way, I disagree); Janine is intimidated by the blog (but sounding intrigued); Marcie and Roger are my idols as novice bloggers who are documenting Baby Ben so beautifully.  As for me, I'm enjoying the writing, having a place to post some pictures, and the sharing.  Thanks to my tiny little audience for reading so far!  Maybe soon I'll figure out how to add some links so you can check out the blogs I'm reading!